{"id":285,"date":"2007-11-16T22:12:03","date_gmt":"2007-11-17T02:12:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/?p=285"},"modified":"2009-09-09T19:45:12","modified_gmt":"2009-09-09T23:45:12","slug":"beowulf-2007-movie-reviews","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/?p=285","title":{"rendered":"Beowulf (2007) – Movie Review"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\"Through

Through the miracle of computer technology, Ray Winstone looks like Russell Crowe and Angelina Jolie looks like herself on a Wella hair conditioner bottle<\/p><\/div>\n

Something Rotten in Denmark<\/span><\/em><\/h1>\n

\u00a0[xrr rating=2\/5]<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Beowulf<\/em>. Featuring Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Angelina Jolie, Crispin Glover, Sonje Fortag, Sharisse Baker-Bernard, Charlotte Salt, Julene Renee, Greg Ellis, Rik Young, Sebastian Roch\u00e9, Leslie Zemeckis, Woody Schultz, Tyler Steelman, Brendan Gleeson, and Chris Coppola. Music by Alan Silvestri. Cinematography by Robert Presley.\u00a0 Production design by Doug Chiang. Costume design by Gabriella Pescucci. Edited by Jeremiah O\u2019Driscoll. Based on the epic poem of Norse legend. Screenplay by Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary. Directed by Robert Zemeckis. (Paramount Pictures, 2007, color\/IMAX and REAL-D 3-D, 113 minutes. MPAA rating: PG-13.)<\/strong><\/p>\n

If I were a snooty fillum critic, I\u2019d probably call Robert Zemeckis\u2019s rather loose adaptation of the Anglo-Saxon epic poem Beowulf <\/em>\u201ccontrived.\u201d Because I\u2019m just a regular guy who doesn\u2019t take a shine to euphemisms, I\u2019ll just call it what it is: a rip-off.<\/em> But this 3D special-effects extravaganza is not so much a rip-off of its two most oft-cited (and more worthy) predecessors, the Lord of the Rings <\/em>trilogy and 300,<\/em> as it is of the hard-earned greenbacks in my wallet.<\/p>\n

This was supposed to be the movie that put Zemeckis back on top, and it has, at least for one weekend worth of box-office receipts. But, compared to his technologically groundbreaking movies Who Framed Roger Rabbit?<\/em> and Forrest Gump<\/em>, Beowulf<\/em> pales, both visually and as entertainment\u2014it\u2019s a garbled mess, in both departments. Although its devotees proclaim Beowulf <\/em>to be a \u201cwhole new kind of moviemaking\u201d (Michael Medved), it\u2019s really just an ill-conceived merging of two gimmicks: CGI and 3-D.<\/p>\n

You\u2019d think with all the battleaxes, swords, and daggers flying<\/em> right at you<\/em>, <\/em>I would have at least flinched. Sorry, but I didn\u2019t, not even once. You\u2019d do better watching the 1953 Vincent Price 3-D horror flick House of Wax <\/em>for real thrills and chills. As for amazing action sequences, skip this one and instead click on the Schwarzenegger action classic Predator <\/em>next time you log in at Netflix. That movies decades older seem more visually sophisticated makes me wonder just how much of his $160 million budget Zemeckis actually spent on visual effects.<\/p>\n

What he spent, he blew on a process called \u201cmotion capture,\u201d which is similar to Rotoscoping: Actors\u2019 movements are recorded and merged with their computerized likenesses. Thus, we don\u2019t see pudgy, stocky actor<\/em> Ray Winstone as Beowulf running, jumping, and bouncing off walls with the ease of Spiderman; we see a buff, elongated, digital representation<\/em> of Winstone performing these implausible feats.<\/p>\n

Zemeckis first used this process in his Christmas movie The Polar Express.<\/em> Motion-capture rendered his cast of youngsters so robotic and soulless it ought to have been titled The Stepford Children. <\/em>Likewise, the real-but-fake-looking animated characters in Beowulf <\/em>are the worst of both worlds: too awkward-looking to be cartoons, and too cartoonish to empathize with. Before directing another movie in this process, Zemeckis should spend a year with the techies at Pixar Studios. If they can move me to tears with Finding Nemo<\/em> and to cheer for <\/em>Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl, then there\u2019s probably something they get that he doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s called \u201ca great story,\u201d something Zemeckis used to know how to tell. And it\u2019s not as if there isn\u2019t a great story already in the source material, either. It\u2019s that screenwriters Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary couldn\u2019t decide whether they wanted an epic or a satire. The results aren\u2019t so much ambivalent as schizophrenic.<\/p>\n

Beowulf<\/em> opens with a sweeping crane shot as the camera swoops over the frozen tundra of Denmark, 507 A.D., and the hills are alive with the sound of . . . drunken Thanes. They\u2019re whooping it up in the mead hall of Hrothgar, the loutish king (Anthony Hopkins, who\u2019s great even when he phones it in, as he does here), whose evening of merrymaking and debauchery is interrupted by an uninvited party guest, Grendel (Crispin Glover). A drooling monster, who speaks what sounds like Klingon, screams and cries when he doesn\u2019t get his way, and bites the heads off anyone who defends against his tantrums, the resemblance between Grendel and my toddler son Evan is uncanny. What makes it truly ghastly, though, is that the wretched gate-crasher is ten feet tall.<\/p>\n

After leaving Hrothgar\u2019s residence an utter shambles in his wake, Grendel retreats to his underground lair. When Hrothgar orders the mead hall closed, his girly-man advisor Unferth (John Malkovich, at his unctuous best in the movie\u2019s best performance) recommends converting to the newfangled deity from Rome, Jesus Christ, in order to defeat Grendel. On cue, Hopkins rejoins: \u201cThe Gods will do nothing for us that we can\u2019t do for ourselves. What we need is a hero.<\/em>\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

What we get instead is Beowulf, who has the makings of a hero, but the script and ridiculous special effects undermine whatever heroism he can muster. At every available opportunity, he introduces himself by shouting \u201cI am Beowulf!\u201d with exactly the same cadence, volume, and facial grimacing that Gerard Butler used for \u201cThis is Sparta!\u201d in 300.<\/em><\/p>\n

Another reason his heroism is hard to grasp is because the writers throw in a lot of bawdy fart and cleavage jokes, which have some mild shock value; but this is not supposed to be Monty Python and the Holy Grail.<\/em> In Zemeckis\u2019s hands, the puns come off more like a bad imitation of \u201cBeavis and Butt-Head.\u201d For example, when he faces down Grendel in what ought to have been the movie\u2019s showdown, Beowulf strips naked (something else my two-year-old also does a lot lately); and as he swashbuckles his way across the screen, roof beams, goblets, and swords provide convenient cover for a certain feature of his anatomy. As if we didn\u2019t get <\/em>this sight gag, recycled from the Austin Powers<\/em> flicks and old \u201cBenny Hill\u201d routines, a handy maiden speculates, \u201cI wonder if Beowulf\u2019s strength is in his legs. All three of them.\u201d Wink wink, nudge nudge<\/em>. Get it?<\/p>\n

Having been dismembered by Beowulf\u2019s (actual, not figurative) sword, Grendel slinks back to die at the lair, from which we learn his vengeful mother sent him on his murderous rampage. Mother is a gold-plated siren with Prada stiletto heels growing out of her cloven feet and a twelve-foot-long armadillo\u2019s tail protruding from her posterior. She\u2019s more-or-less acted by Angelina Jolie, who\u2019s perfectly cast for this odd filmmaking genre. Jolie\u2019s breakout starring role was playing a video-game heroine. Alas, her performance couldn\u2019t quite capture the feeling and subtlety of the Sony PlayStation version.<\/p>\n

Our hero pays a visit to her lair to finish the job and free Denmark\u2019s people from her wrath. Once he arrives, though, she casts a spell over him. \u201cGive me a son, and I shall make you the greatest king that ever lived,\u201d she tells Beowulf sweetly, in what has got to be the most laughable Ingrid Bergman impression on record.<\/p>\n

Still, she manages to seduce him, despite looking like Mick Jagger in drag. Beowulf returns to Hrothgar and his queen, Wealthow, played by Robin Wright Penn. Though she gives a compelling performance, the lifelessness in her eyes renders it bloodless (I prefer to remember her as the Princess Bride<\/em>). Beowulf concocts a tall tale of how he faced down and dispatched \u201cthe old hag,\u201d though Hopkins is skeptical.<\/p>\n

Suddenly, the film gets serious. Hrothgar commits suicide, leaving his queen and kingdom to Beowulf. Unfortunately, the movie switches gears too abruptly into this agonizing second act, which was exceptionally well-written, even Shakespearean in its treatment of Beowulf\u2019s dilemma.<\/p>\n

Having gotten everything he wanted, Beowulf finds that his crown weighs heavily upon him, as does his conscience. Drained of his lust for love and battle, he contemplates his hollow victory. \u201cNow, nothing is as good as it should have been,\u201d he cries.<\/p>\n

Yet as soon as the movie redeems itself, it switches gears back again to an anti-climactic video-game finale. Whether Beowulf himself triumphs I will not divulge; that is, sadly, beside the point. What seemed more important to its makers was that special-effects sequences triumphed at the cost of coherence and drama.<\/p>\n

I have no qualms with digital effects as long as they are integral to the storytelling, something director Zack Snyder managed masterfully in 300. <\/em>But this anti-cinematic picture represents CGI at its worst: There are no difficult camera angles to figure out, no organic visual montages to solve, just the lazy man\u2019s computerized quick fix of wowing the audience with impossible camera angles and unnatural movements.<\/p>\n

Even the music is a letdown. Composer Alan Silvestri\u2014whose inventive orchestrations, combining upper strings with low brass and percussion, first captured my admiration over twenty years ago\u2014ditched his unique sound in favor of the generic Hans Zimmer-cum-Carmina Burana<\/em> soundtrack you hear in every action-movie preview these days.<\/p>\n

Worst of all, Beowulf<\/em> sacrifices a noble, though fatalistic, vision of heroism in favor of cheap tricks and adolescent humor. Its powerful message\u2014that hubris and undeserved riches can destroy a man\u2019s soul\u2014gets buried underneath the movie\u2019s real<\/em> message. That message is: \u201cLook at me! Look at me!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

As bad as Beowulf<\/em> is, it\u2019s still possible to see great Robert Zemeckis films on the big screen. But you\u2019ll need a flux capacitor and a DeLorean to do it.<\/p>\n

Robert L. Jones is a photojournalist living and working in Minnesota. His work has appeared in\u00a0<\/span>Black & White Magazine<\/span><\/span>,\u00a0<\/span>Entrepreneur<\/span><\/span>,\u00a0<\/span>Hoy! New York<\/span><\/span>, the New York\u00a0<\/span>Post<\/span><\/span>,\u00a0<\/span><\/em>RCA Victor\u00a0<\/span>(Japan)<\/span><\/em>,\u00a0<\/span>Scene in San Antonio<\/span><\/span>,\u00a0<\/span>Spirit Magazine<\/span><\/span>\u00a0(Canada),\u00a0<\/span>Top Producer<\/span><\/span>,\u00a0 and the Trenton\u00a0<\/span>Times<\/span><\/span>. Mr. Jones is a past entertainment editor of\u00a0<\/span>The New Individualist<\/span><\/span>.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Something Rotten in Denmark \u00a0[xrr rating=2\/5] Beowulf. Featuring Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Angelina Jolie, Crispin Glover, Sonje Fortag, Sharisse Baker-Bernard, Charlotte Salt, Julene Renee, Greg Ellis, Rik Young, Sebastian Roch\u00e9, Leslie Zemeckis, Woody Schultz, Tyler Steelman, Brendan Gleeson, and Chris Coppola. Music by Alan Silvestri. Cinematography by Robert Presley.\u00a0 Production […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[64,40,63,48,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-285","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-3d-movies","category-action-movies","category-cgi-motion-capture","category-fantasy-movies","category-mreview"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/285","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=285"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/285\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":290,"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/285\/revisions\/290"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=285"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=285"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonesing4movies.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=285"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}